I will never forget.

Today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th.

It's a day to remember a baby lost to miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or other other infant illness.

It's a day that "we" can think back and wonder what might have been with our little one.

"We", as in, those of us who have suffered a loss.

When I was little I always wanted to be in all the clubs, all the cliques, all the groups that seemed to have a lot of members. I wanted to fit in and be a part.

This is a "club" that I would be happy if I were not a part of it.

Our bit of our story...
Picture it, or not (I love The Golden Girls), it was early 2003. Jake and I already had Jake Austin. JA was one week shy of turning one year old when Jake learned that he was depolying. Prior to him leaving for Iraq he had to spend three months in Fort Stewart, GA for training.

Ft. Stewart was only about two hours away so I would go up there every weekend. We had so much fun! We spent those weekends in Savannah, GA. I now have a great love for Savannah. It is really a beautiful place. You must go. I'm getting off track...this is why I don't tell stories. I get off track ALOT! (My mom does this too....oh NO!!!)

In May 2003 I took a home pregnancy test and sure enough I was pregnant with baby number TWO! I was SO excited! I called Jake right away...it was late and he was sleeping...I'm not sure he even heard me right...I told him AGAIN the next day. :o)

Of course, we were a little scared about having another baby right then. He was leaving for Iraq. I had JA at home to care for. We didn't know when Jake would be home for R&R. Would he miss the birth?

I went to the Naval Hospital and the technician thought right away something was not right. The heartbeat was faint. He sent me to the lab to have blood work done and I was to return everyday for a week to make sure my levels were rising....mine fell a little everyday.

The next ultrasound that was done was performed by the doctor. I remember him saying it and, over six years later can almost say it just like he did in his accent. "I do not get warm and fuzzy feelings about this one." My heart sank.

What does that mean?? Warm and fuzzy?? I just want a healthy baby....nothing fuzzy.

My baby's heartbeat had stopped...he/she was in Jesus' arms.

He gave me two options. I chose the latter and he scheduled me for a D&C. Praise God Jake was able to be there with me. I don't think I could have done that alone. He was with me when they took me to do the procedure and he was waiting for me when I came out. He held me and loved on me when I felt my world crashing.

I was 8 weeks pregnant.

I know that I will get to see that baby one day. I feel like I will know him/her when I get to Heaven. I don't know the details but, I know in my heart that he/she is waiting on me.

Today, as you know, Jake and I have had three more beautiful babies since that day. We love each of our four children more than anything...and thank God for them daily!!! In our hearts we know that we have FIVE babies. That makes me smile.

Say a short prayer today for those who have suffered a loss. It's tough. Even today, six years later, it's tough.

It helps also to know that God loved us so much that He gave His only begotten son that who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have EVERLASTING life! (John 3:16)